If I got a dime for every time I sabotaged myself, I'd be a rich person now. I sabotaged myself mostly by procrastinating or engaging in unhealthy behaviors, such as binge eating. After each such episode I'd feel bad about myself, and my self-esteem would sink even lower. It was a rather helpless and hopeless state, from where it was hard to climb out.

 

How we self-sabotage

 

Self-sabotage is any action that works against our best interests, goals and desires. The most obvious way to self-sabotage is by procrastinating, e.g. watching TV when we should be working on our paper or writing a business plan for our new business idea. Even useful behaviors, such as cleaning and organizing your closet, can be a form of procrastination, because they distract us from our real goal.

 

Another way to self-sabotage is by engaging in addictive behaviors, like drugs, alcohol, emotional eating, shopping, computer games, spending too much time on the Internet and social media, etc. Those are self-soothing type of behaviors that help us alleviate the pain of feeling inadequate and incompetent for the task ahead.

 

Self-sabotage can also come in form of immature or conflict-causing behavior, e.g. we promise something and then don’t keep our word, or we pick up a fight, or have other types of immature and rash reactions. This makes people think less of us and jeopardizes our relationships (either in our private life or at work).

 

A more subtle way of self-sabotage is refusing to seek help and support, thinking that we can handle it on our own. We end up repeating the same negative patterns day after day, feeling bad about ourselves, and then every morning we promise ourselves that from this day on, it will be different (e.g. that we’ll eat healthy and won’t overeat in the evening). But by the end of the day, we find ourselves with a bowl of potato chips in our hands, watching TV, thinking we should stop but unable to do so until we’ve finished the entire bowl. And of course, feeling awful about ourselves. This goes on day after day, however, we delay seeking help because a part of us isn’t ready to change quite yet. We can be stuck in this self-deluding thinking for a long time, even years on end, before the pain becomes unbearable and we decide to do something about it.

 

 

Why we self-sabotage

 

The main two reasons why we self-sabotage are:

 

• low self-esteem (feeling that we're not good enough, that we're incompetent for the task,       unworthy of success), and

• fear (of failure, of success, of the unknown, etc).

 

Let’s take a look at each of those.

 

Low self-esteem

 

If you are someone with a shame-based personality – and that’s someone who in their childhood hasn’t received much love, appreciation and encouragement, but instead, lots of criticism and judgement – then you’re likely to have a very low self-esteem. In the back of your mind there will be constant thoughts like: "I'll never amount to anything. I am a failure. There's something wrong with me".

 

This negative self-talk affects how you see yourself and what you believe you’re capable of. It is also responsible for self-sabotage, because if we’re hopeless anyway, then why bother. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

Fear

Fear is the other big reason why we sabotage ourselves. Fear can be either of the following:   

 

• Fear of failure – "I am going to fail anyway, so why even bother". Or, "If I go and do it, it will be finally proven that I am not good enough. I don't want to face that pain and humiliation."

 

• Fear of success – For example, a woman who is trying to lose weight regularly sabotages herself because subconsciously she fears that if she becomes slim, she'll start attracting men's interest again, and she is afraid of that because of a past trauma.

 

• Fear of rejection - "If I follow my dreams, my family or friends might reject me. I don't want to disappoint them".

 

• Fear of criticism and judgement – "If I decide to do it, I'll be visible, I'll put myself out there, and I am afraid of being judged."
  

 

• Fear of facing challenges (fear of the unknown) – "What if something bad happens? I won’t be able to deal with it." – feeling unable to tackle life's challenges. Lack of trust in our own abilities, as well as trust that things will work out fine.

 

• Fear of change – in order to succeed, we need to make an effort, face challenges, step out of our comfort zone. Sometimes our fear of change is stronger than our desire to improve our lives.

 

As long as those fears are unconscious, we won’t be able to do anything about them. We’ll be caught in procrastination or addiction, feeling bad about ourselves, but unable to get unstuck.

 

 

My addiction to romantic movies

 

There was a time when I was watching a lot of romantic movies. I mean, A LOT. Like, 2-3 per day. I didn’t have a job and was confused about what I want to do with my life, so I found escape in those movies. Even when I later found a job, I’d often find myself watching romantic movies in the evening, as a way to unwind.

 

After a while, I started asking myself – why? What’s so attractive about those movies? And I realized – they are light, there’s always a happy end, the problems the main characters face are minimal, there are no real worries, no challenges, no heaviness of life. All in all, you feel good and protected. The world is shown through pink glasses, unreal, syrupy, but feel-good. On the other hand, there’s no creativity, all plots are similar and already seen. They are shallow, don’t touch you on a deeper level, don’t make you think, and the next day you don’t even remember the movie.

 

But still, they felt good while watching, and for me, it was because they had a soothing effect on my nervous system. With them, I felt relaxed and carefree, like a baby in her mother’s arms. The message I was getting was: "You are safe, protected and loved. The world is a good place, where you can be happy and fulfill your dreams."  

 

But I realized that romantic movies are also an escape into this pink, carefree, unreal world, where happy-end is guaranteed and obstacles are minimal. By watching those movies, I am running away from challenges, possible problems and unpleasant situations, painful emotions, situations in which I could feel helpless, lost, unable to deal with. And this is because during my childhood, I wasn’t taught that "I can do it", that I am capable of dealing with life’s challenges. I was brought up in fear, with lots of bans and constraints, and with the main message that "life is hard", "life won't pamper you", and "who do you think you are" (to have a happy life).

 

As a result, I felt small and helpless, even as an adult, and I tended to give up at the slightest obstacle. The world seemed like a dangerous place, and I felt like a tiny boat on big waves that can take me down at any moment.

 

That’s why it was so appealing to escape into romantic movies, because there I didn’t have to do anything, just sit back and relax. True, after having seen dozens of similar movies, I did have a slight feeling of emptiness and bluntness, but this didn’t prevent me from watching another movie, and another one, because they guaranteed me a good feeling, at least for that hour and a half that the film lasted.

 

 

The pleasure of safety vs. the pleasure of growth

 

So one day, after becoming aware of this need to soothe myself with romantic movies, I asked myself: Could I give to myself this feeling of safety and warmth, without needing to binge on romantic movies, which have absolutely no value and leave me empty and blunt?

 

As I was imagining my inner child safely nested in my adult self’s lap, it occurred to me that there are two types of pleasure: one is in the safety and warmth of our mother’s lap (this would be a yin type of pleasure). And the other one is in achieving, overcoming obstacles, going after our dreams, making things happen, creating value added (a yang type of pleasure).

 

The first is the pleasure of simply Being, without pushing yourself to do anything, just enjoying and appreciating the present moment. The second is stretching yourself, challenging yourself, growing as a person. The latter often involves struggle and going through some challenges, but if we have a background in Being – in the unconditional love, acceptance and safety of our mother’s lap – then this struggle isn't so frightening and we can deal with it.

 

In fact, we want to try it, we're eager to crawl out of our mother's lap and go explore the world. Because the pleasure of growth is greater than the pleasure of staying in the nest. As Anais Nin said,

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

 

 

How to stop self-sabotage

 

In order to stop self-sabotage, we need to address the negative self-talk, also known as the inner critic. It’s the internalized paternal voice that incessantly criticizes us and berates us. In order to silence the inner critic, we need to develop self-compassion and self-acceptance, and we do that by tending to our inner child – the wounded, tender, immature part of us who still believes we’re unlovable. We, the adult self, now act as a good, loving parent to our own inner child and give ourselves that what we haven’t received as children.

 

That’s how we heal and integrate that part, so that it doesn’t cause us pain any more. As a result, we no longer need soothing or numbing ourselves with unhealthy habits or substances. The impulse to self-sabotage lessens naturally, because we’re not fighting ourselves any more, we accept ourselves. We’ve become our own friend, not enemy. This is the turning point, when we can finally start creating a desired future for ourselves, rather than sabotaging our own success.

 

Tending to our inner child will also alleviate our fears. We are afraid that we're not good enough or worthy enough, that we will be rejected, ridiculed, or criticized, or that we're not capable of facing challenges, which is another form of "not good enough".

 

All of those fears stem from our wounded inner child. We can alleviate them by getting into a dialogue with our inner child, and giving ourselves that which we haven't received as children: love, acceptance, soothing, comfort, encouragement and the feeling of safety. Again, we become a good parent to our own inner child. It doesn't mean that we are now free from fear, but it does mean that it won't paralyze us and cause us to self-sabotage. We will be able to move towards our goals, in spite of fear and insecurity. And this is a sign of maturity, a sign that we've freed ourselves from the burden of the past.