With some people we feel strong chemistry, while others leave us cool as a cucumber. Some have that factor X, which we feel hard to resist, even if we try. Is it just sexual attraction, or there's more to it?
What if I told you that it's definitely not just sexual attraction, and that it goes to the heart of our vulnerability and our unmet needs?
We feel strong attraction to certain people because there is a strong need that we believe this person will be able to meet. For example, if we are the type of person who feels lacking (lack of love, abundance, self-confidence...), we'll be subconsciously looking for people who can provide us with those things. We'll be looking for a motherly, care-taker type (can be found both in women and men), who'll take care of us, will have lots of empathy and understanding, be attuned to our needs, console and comfort us when needed, and even cook for us! We'll be attracted to someone kind and caring, who gives us a feeling of warmth and safety. A feeling of home that we missed while growing up.
The above would be an example where we are attracted to someone opposite of our parent. Another possibility is that we are attracted to someone similar to our parent, hoping that they would finally give us what our parent couldn't. For example, we might be attracted to unavailable men, trying to gain their attention, because that's the dynamic we experienced with our father. Or we might be attracted to dominant, controlling women, whom we are trying to please and appease - because that was the dynamic we experienced with our mother.
In other words, when we click with someone, feeling strong attraction, it's usually because of an unmet childhood need, which we hope to be finally met with this person. He is the man of our dreams, our Prince Charming. They are everything we've ever wanted in a man (or a woman).
As we are feeling this strong pull and are falling in love, we also tend to put on the rose-colored glasses. Which means that we idealize them – we see only their good sides and overlook their bad sides. They seem flawless and perfect to us. Our subconscious need blinds us to reality and we don’t want to see anything but perfection. We desperately want to believe that "he (or she) is the one".
When the honeymoon phase is over
When the honeymoon phase is over – when we realize that this person isn't "the one" after all – we suddenly snap out of our "enchantment" and suddenly, we only see their bad sides. Perhaps we even augment the bad sides – our perception of them sways in the opposite direction. We still don't see them realistically, but as worse than they are. This leads to disappointment, falling out of love, and breakup.
But let's rewind the tape a bit and see if we can catch the flaw in our thinking that actually led to yet another heartbreak. When we thought that he was "the one", we actually expected them to fulfill a deep longing of ours, which stems from childhood. We expected them to fill a hole that can only be filled with proper healing and self-growth.
That hole – that unmet emotional need from our childhood – is like a bottomless pit. It cannot be filled, unless it is first healed. Otherwise no one, and I repeat no one, not even Mr. Darcy (or Aquaman, whatever floats your boat 😊 ), can fill that hole.
So next time you find yourself getting disillusioned with your partner, blaming them for your unhappiness, seeing only faults in them (after you were enchanted only a few short months before), pause and think: is this my wound gaping open and crying into the night, or this person really made a 180-degree turn and turned into a monster? Is it also me or it's just and exclusively them who is to blame?
Add some self-awareness to your process of falling in and out of love, and be open to the possibility that it's also you. Not entirely you, but definitely a big part. And then deal with that original wound – heal it so that it can finally be filled.
