In many decisions, listing pros and cons can help us decide which option is better. But when it comes to love, such exercise is futile, because although our rational mind may say NO to a relationship, something is pulling us towards it, and we cannot resist, or cannot leave, even though all our friends tell us to run for the hills.
Such a strong and often unhealthy attraction is usually caused by our subconscious mind, who wants to solve the unfinished business from our childhood. How so? Well, the subconscious mind is in fact our inner child who is looking for someone to meet our unmet needs from childhood. If we weren't given proper love and appreciation as children, but have instead experienced emotional neglect or abuse, our core emotional needs (for love, appreciation, validation…) will be unmet when we reach adulthood. Those needs are like open wounds, like gaping holes that need to be filled. As adults, we'll be driven by those needs, often subconsciously, in choosing a romantic partner.
We may be attracted to someone who reminds us of our parent, or it may be someone who is opposite of our parent. For example, if our mother was cold and didn't show affection, we might be attracted to a warm and caring mother figure (could be both man or woman) who will give us the love and nurturing we haven't received as children. Or, we might be attracted to someone who is reserved like our mother and has difficulty expressing affection, hoping that we can change them and finally get the love we crave for.
In the first scenario, we are openly "the needy party", looking for a mother figure to take care of us. In the second scenario, we might actually be the care-taker – the mother figure to our partner – trying to "save" them, help them change, so they would be able to finally love us.
In both of those scenarios, we have an underlying need for love, only in the first scenario, it is open and visible, whereas in the second scenario, it is hidden and covered up by us being the care-taker.
Familiar dynamic: craving for love which is so hard to get
Being attracted to "bad boys" (or "bad girls"), or people who are depressed, suffer from addictions and are emotionally unavailable is a sign of wanting to get love from an unavailable parent. As children, we were craving their love but never received it, and now our subconscious (our inner child) is trying to recreate a similar dynamic with our romantic partner. We love them so much and try everything we can to make the relationship work, but their love is just so hard to get.
They keep betraying and disappointing us, e.g. they may behave irresponsibly, we cannot rely on them, they don't keep their promises. They forget birthdays and anniversaries. They may be lazy, have financial problems, or suffer from addiction. They may be emotionally unresponsive, lacking empathy, not even noticing when we are in distress.
On top of that, they may be denying that they have a problem, claiming that we are asking too much and don't love them enough. We might feel guilty for asking for a minimum amount of respect and commitment from our partner.
Why we settle for breadcrumbs
A part of us might really be thinking that perhaps we are guilty, perhaps we are overreacting, perhaps we really don't deserve a better treatment. And if we were only a little more tolerant, things would be just fine. This part – which is going above and beyond to accommodate for our selfish, emotionally unresponsive partner – is our inner child who is still hoping to get the love of the unavailable parent.
The inner child is thinking: if only I'd change, if only I'd be a good girl (or good boy), my mother or father would finally love me and be there for me. The inner child, who is still hoping beyond hope, is the one who keeps us in these unrewarding, emotionally draining and depriving relationships, in which we are only giving, while receiving almost nothing.
How to set ourselves free?
We need to be aware of what is going on and why we are attracted to the person in the first place – because it's a similar dynamic that we had with our emotionally unavailable parent. We are trying to get our emotionally unavailable parent – now in form of our partner – to finally give us the love we crave. But it will never happen because we cannot get true love from someone who is emotionally unavailable.
The way out is to heal that childhood wound, give ourselves (our inner child) the love we crave, and realize that we deserve to be loved properly, without settling for breadcrumbs.
