Some people manage to lose weight by plastering their fridge with photos of slim people and motivational messages. Others know everything about emotional eating, and yet, day after day they reach for food to comfort themselves and are unable to stop it. There are people who read a book about harmfulness of smoking, and they quit there and then. And yet there are others who even after having been diagnosed with lung cancer cannot stop smoking.
Why do some people have self-control, while others struggle with addictions and bad habits for years, without success?
People with poor self-control often complain that they lack willpower. That's true, but only partially, because willpower alone isn't enough to stop addiction. It's about the struggle between the conscious and the unconscious, and the unconscious is much bigger and more powerful than the conscious (like the iceberg: the part under the water is much bigger than the one above the water).
We all know the yo-yo effect in dieting, when after a successful weight-loss one gets tired of constant deprivation and counting of calories, and so after some time they loosen up and put back all the weight, and then some. Or when we follow a diet rigorously, and then after just one misstep, one "forbidden" bite, we quit the whole thing because we've "messed up" anyway.
Our conscious, volitional part is bound to fail in the struggle with the unconscious part, because the latter has a tremendous power and can hardly be controlled, especially on the long-run. Luckily, there is a solution: become aware of the unconscious part and thus strip it off its magnetic power it yields over us.
The unconscious need behind the addiction
What is the unconscious part in us that makes us addicted? It's our deeper emotional need. We lack willpower because our desire to e.g. stop smoking isn't as strong as our need for smoking.
Addiction should always be viewed in the context of need: what does my addiction provide for me, which need does it fulfill? Usually every addiction soothes our nervous system and on the short run makes us feel better.
Food is comfort and consolation when we're sad or anxious. This sadness or anxiety can be related not only to past, but also to future situations, e.g.: "I'm for sure going to get embarrassed while giving the presentation tomorrow, that's why I am eating today to comfort myself." Or, "I am never going to succeed, so I won't even try, instead I go to the fridge to soothe my sorrow." We give up on ourselves even beforehand, and we console ourselves preventively.
Of course, this "consolation" makes us later hate and condemn ourselves even more (because we binged on food, or drank too much wine, or smoked 2 pack of cigarettes), and as a result we need ever more "consolation" to drown our ever bigger sorrow. That's how the vicious circle of addiction is closed.
We're largely unconscious of what drives our addiction. We aren't aware that we're comforting and soothing ourselves because of the pain that we've experienced or that we believe we are going to experience in the future. The only thing we might be aware of is one brief moment, perhaps a split second, in which we hold the fridge handle and consider whether to open it or not. And then we open it… Something in us has decided that it cannot do without food (or a cigarette or a bottle), that it needs consolation.
What is the part of us that needs to be comforted? It is our inner child – a part of us which has unmet childhood needs. We've written already about the basic human needs: the need for safety, for love and closeness, for validation and success, as well as the need for self-actualization. All of those needs (except the need for self-actualization which is an adult need), belong to childhood needs. If our childhood has been such that our basic needs weren't met, we'll spend our entire life trying to meet those needs, but because we don't know we have them, it will be playing out unconsciously.
For example, our need for validation which we haven't received from our parents we'll be unconsciously trying to receive from our bosses and authority figures. To meet our need, we might boast and cause scorn in our colleagues. Or we'll work ourselves to death and allow our boundaries to be crossed. In both cases we won't get validation, but scorn and humiliation – exactly the opposite of what we're longing for. If the unmet need is strong and the pain big, we might seek consolation in a drink or two at the end of the day, which might lead to addiction. This will further decrease our chances to be at our best and receive validation that we crave.
Or another example: driven by the need to prove themselves and achieve astonishing success, some will try their luck in finances, where they will work 16 hours per day and then "help themselves" with cocaine to stay at the top of their game.
Regardless of the type of addiction, it's always about the unmet need that our inner child is seeking to meet, albeit in an unhealthy way. Only when we become aware of this background dynamic, will we be able to cancel out our addictive behavior. Only when the need of the inner child has been met, the need for "comfort and consolation" in form of addiction will cease.
Replacing one addiction with another
If we don't get to the root of the problem – which is our wounded inner child – it can happen that we replace one addiction with another, e.g. after quitting smoking we start eating too much. Or after we get clean on drugs, we turn into fanatical believers who seek to fulfill their love and belonging need in a spiritual or religious community (or a political cult such as QAnon).
A drastic example of this is ISIS, where young men who have problems with drugs or alcohol find their purpose and meaning in radical Islam. They are free from drugs, but they get hooked on a destructive ideology. Their inner child is still deprived and is crying out for true love, however they aren't aware of it, but believe they found salvation in the fight for Allah and the destruction of the "infidels". They were fooled to believe that once they rid the world of the infidels, they will finally feel loved, appreciated and worthy. If only they knew they can feel that way already today, if only they'd embrace their inner child…
We aren't evil and hideous, but wounded
To become free from addiction, let's ask ourselves: What do I need? What am I missing?... as I am reaching for food, drink, cigarettes, drugs or other unhealthy habits. Notice it and observe yourself, with compassion, as you're becoming aware of and getting in touch with your need. That's the need of your inner child. And then be a good parent to your inner child, and give it what it needs in this moment: love, acceptance, support... Understanding and compassion rather than scorn and condemnation.
Famous psychologist Carl Rogers said: "The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I change.” Indeed, change is possible only if we accept ourselves as we are, warts and all. But how to do this? How to accept ourselves when we're miserable losers, doing horrible things, not able to get a grip on our lives and beat the addiction? How do we do that?
Well, by realizing that there is a part of us that is suffering – our inner child – and that our behavior, no matter how harmful and counter-productive, is an attempt to protect ourselves from that pain and suffering. That we aren't evil, hideous and perverted, but wounded and scarred.
When we understand that and embrace our inner child instead of constantly blaming and condemning ourselves, we'll be able to break free from the vicious circle of addiction.
That's why the big truth that Carl Rogers pointed at isn't really a paradox when we look deeper into it. Rather, it's the only possible path to healing. Only when we accept and embrace our inner child, is change possible.
