Recently I went through a very unpleasant experience where I feared for my health, more precisely my heart's health. In the recent year and a half, notably since the start of the pandemic, I've noticed my heart rate increase.

In the past it was between 50 and 60, and in the last year and a half it wouldn't drop below 80. I didn't think much of it, since I had no other symptoms, and my thyroid values were fine. I forgot about the whole heart rate issue.

But recently, after a fight with my mother-in-law, I got so upset that my heart rate wouldn't drop below 100. And it stayed like that for days and weeks. Once I measured it was 116. It was accompanied by a sense of discomfort in my chest, like there was a slight pressure there, and I could always feel the area around my heart.

I am a rather anxious person in general, and this really threw me off. I started fearing for my life, because what if I suddenly have a heart attack or something. My GP did the EKG and found nothing alarming, but I went to a cardiologist, who ordered further tests.

While I was waiting to have those tests done, I was panicking further. I was afraid to even measure my heart rate, because I knew (I could feel it) that it was high, and measuring it would only confirm that it's indeed high and that I am in trouble. Every time I set out to measure it, my heart started beating even faster, which resulted in an even higher heart rate. I was desperate and very worried.

Sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system – key to our heart rate

I've checked out some stress reduction videos and come across the term "heart rate variability". Apparently, the heart rate variability is an indicator of our health because a healthy heart responds to a stimulus quickly (starts beating faster when we are e.g. running), and when the stimulus is gone, it quickly returns to a resting rate.

It was further explained that our heart rate is affected by the two branches of our autonomous nervous system: the sympathetic and the parasympathetic branch. The sympathetic branch (in charge of the "fight or flight" response) tells our heart to beat faster, while the parasympathetic branch (in charge of "resting and digesting") tells our heart to beat slower.

This means that our heart rate will depend on the interplay between these two branches of our autonomous nervous system. If we want to lower our heart rate, we need to strengthen the parasympathetic nervous system, which can be done by various breathing and relaxation techniques.

Knowing how it works (and that I can influence it) helped me to relax

This was a big revelation for me. Simply knowing that I can influence my heart rate made me calmer while measuring it. This in turn led to my heart rate not go over 80 – a big improvement compared to 116.

In the days that followed, my heart rate never went above 80, my blood pressure was lower too, and after a week or so, my symptoms (the discomfort and pressure in the chest area) completely disappeared.

Since then, my heart rate has dropped even further and has been between 60 and 70, meaning it almost went down to pre-pandemic values. I feel relieved. The heart ultrasound did show some small irregularity in one of the valves, but apparently nothing to worry about. The doctors say my heart is just fine. So I decided not to worry, indeed, and to be very careful about what I get upset about.

Futile attempts to make the person see

Because granted, this whole health scare was triggered by me getting upset because my mother-in-law behaved irresponsibly, and didn't want to own up to it. While trying to explain it to her, I got so upset that my heart went into overdrive, which lasted for a couple of weeks.

Immediately after experiencing the first symptoms, I regretted getting so worked up, knowing that nothing is more important than my health. And I knew how stubborn of a person she is, so trying to "enlighten her" and prove my point was actually pointless.

Powerless to change a stubborn person

She is an example of a person who doesn't want to change, despite behaving in self-destructive ways. Trying to make her see how she is ruining herself is futile – she would never admit it. Trying to hold her accountable for her irresponsible behavior is equally fruitless – she refuses any kind of responsibility and always blames someone else.

With such a person, you can only admit you are powerless. The Serenity prayer goes like this: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

I am indeed powerless to change my mother-in-law. Since experiencing heart problems, I have luckily found the serenity to accept that I cannot change her. I am powerless to change her, and I am at peace with it.

Empowered to change my relationship to them

This doesn't mean I can't change my relationship to her, though. I have the power to do that. I have the power to decide how to react, i.e. respond to her. And this makes me powerful, this gives me options – even while being powerless to change her.

It's a great feeling. It gives me such freedom and such a relief. Now I am able to communicate much more calmly with her. I care less, in a way, but I do care enough to help her in situations that merit my (and my husband's) help. I will help, but only when it doesn't harm me. I will not help her at my own expense. I will protect myself and my well-being.

Dealing with toxic family members

I believe that's a good rule-of-thumb in dealing with toxic family members: helping them or caring for them shouldn't cause us harm. We should only help if it's not destructive to our own well-being.

So, protect yourself and make sure their toxicity doesn't harm you, or that dealing with them doesn't rob you of too much of your time and resources. Limit your exposure to them, don't allow yourself to be exploited. Set strict boundaries. Limit contact.

These are all ways how to feel empowered in a relationship with a toxic family member. Remember: even if we are powerless to change them, we can still have power over how we react to them and how we allow to be treated.