"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."
~ Viktor E. Frankl
We sometimes react with too strong or inappropriate emotions, losing our temper over small things. For example, we might get upset in business meetings, and are later embarassed for not being able to keep our cool. Or we often get snappy with our family members, specially after a hard day at work.
There are two main reasons why we overreact:
1) We feel helpless, which causes us to feel angry, resentful and frustrated, or afraid, panicking and overwhelmed. The situation can be as simple one as not daring to close the window on the bus, feeling "forced" to stand in the draft, or a bit more tricky one, such as feeling overwhelmed by the work load, but not daring to say anything to the boss. The reason we feel helpless is often that we lack assertiveness and healthy boundaries, and don't dare to stand up for ourselves and express our needs and desires. Sometimes we keep our frustration bottled up for a long time, and then one day we can't take it any longer, and we snap and say things we later regret.
2) The other main reason for emotionally immature reactions is lacking self-esteem and depending on other people’s approval to feel good about ourselves. If it seems like we’re not getting the recognition we're hoping for, it causes emotional distress. In those situations, we might be either blaming ourselves for rejection ("I am horrible, I am such a loser, nobody cares about me", etc), which causes us to slip into sadness and depression. Or we might get angry and blame other people for not giving us that recognition ("They are horrible, they are losers, I don't want to have anything to do with them").
The need for recognition is one the reasons why we get involved in Internet debates, sometimes with complete strangers, trying to prove our point, and getting upset if they don’t agree with us. We feel bad about ourselves if our opinion is rejected, and we feel good if people agree with us. Our sense of well-being depends on external feedback, and as soon as it’s not favourable, we’ll be swayed into negative emotions.
How to develop emotional resilience
By 1) stop feeling like a victim, and 2) stop depending on other people's approval.
If our main problem is that we feel like a victim, we need to develop the so-called internal locus of control, where we understand that we actually can help ourselves and have the right to do so. We need to speak our mind, and express our Yes and No more readily. This is how we develop assertiveness and healthy boundaries. It will give us more power over the situation, and we won’t feel like being at the mercy of others.
Where before we felt like a victim of a cruel boss who doesn't give us a break, now we'll be able to stand up for ourselves. Where earlier we'd get frustrated and angry at a colleague who isn't doing their part of the job, now we'll be able to talk to them and try to come to a solution. As a consequence, we'll feel less threatened, and more open and relaxed in contact with people.
If our main problem is that we seek approval and recognition from others, we need to develop a positive self-image and a sense of self-worth independent of what other people think about us. By doing so, we won't be so emotionally dependent on others, and we'll feel good about ourselves, even if external recognition is lacking. We'll also be able to handle rejection and lack of interest more easily and calmly.
The internal locus of control and positive internal sense of self will result in greater emotional stability and resilience. We'll be able to respond instead of react impulsively. Even when faced with things outside of our control, we won't feel completely helpless, but will find ways to cope with the problem.
