Before I started working on myself and enrolled in a personal development training, I was pretty messed up. All day long, I would criticize and berate myself, telling myself that I was stupid, boring, lazy, a loser, will never amount to anything, and other "flattering" things.
This critical, judgmental inner voice is called the inner critic. It is actually the internalized critical voice of our parents. It incessantly criticizes us and makes us feel weak, inadequate, unlovable and unworthy. We trust this inner critic, just as we trusted our parents who criticized us when we were children. We really believe we're lazy, unlovable, unworthy - in short, that there's something wrong with us. As a result, we end up sabotaging ourselves and performing poorly, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
There is another voice in our head, which is the voice of the victim. It feels weak, inadequate, unlovable and unworthy. It is our wounded inner child. If as children we haven't received love, acceptance and support from our parents, but were instead criticized, ridiculed, neglected or in other ways mistreated, our core emotional needs haven't been met. As a result, our emotional and psychological development has been stunted and this affects our adult personality.
As adults, we might suffer from low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence, we might not be able to set boundaries and stand up for ourselves, we might be afraid of intimacy, we might be easily offended and lose our temper, we might sabotage ourselves and drift in life without knowing what we want or how to achieve it. If our core emotional needs weren't met, we might lack many of the components of personal power.
Within us, there is still a child who feels hurt, unloved, unappreciated, waiting for a hug and a kiss, waiting to be seen. Because of that wounded inner child, we also may behave immaturely, selfishly, or irrationally. We behave like a child in an adult body…
Learning to observe without judgment
One of the first things I've learned in the personal development training was to separate myself from the inner critical voice and simply observe it, without judgment. We were to notice when it comes up but we weren't supposed to identify with it, just notice it's there.
This part of our consciousness that observes without judgment is called the observer, or the witness. It is crucial for any self-awareness and self-development work. Without it, we usually identify with the victim part of us, which is bullied by the inner critic.
The witness is one component of our true self. Many spiritual traditions speak of the true or essential or higher self. The true self demonstrates qualities such as love, compassion, acceptance, wisdom, calmness, connectedness, forgiveness, as well as the ability to observe without judgment.
One of the goals of personal development is to replace the voice of the inner critic with the voice of the true self. Instead of the harsh, critical voice that is constantly berating us, the goal is to have compassion for ourselves, accept ourselves in spite of our imperfections, and forgive ourselves for making mistakes. The true self is like a loving, compassionate parent who can give to our inner child that what we haven't received as children. This is how we re-parent our inner child and heal.
Protectors of the inner child: "managers" and "firefighters"
Besides the inner critic and the wounded inner child, there are other "voices" in our head too. Those voices seek to protect us from pain, but often use counter-productive strategies. They use various defense mechanisms, so that we wouldn't experience that original pain – which we've experienced as children – ever again.
According to Richard Schwartz, founder of the Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, those parts of our personality are called "the managers". Their role is to protect the inner child from experiencing pain, using various defense mechanisms, such as being emotionally closed off, so we wouldn't be hurt again. They have a preventive role to avoid situations in which we might get hurt. We might avoid socializing, for example, so that we wouldn't experience the pain of embarrassment and rejection (which we have experienced in our childhood).
There is another category of parts, according to IFS. They are called "the firefighters", and their role is to soothe or numb the pain of the inner child via addictive substances or behaviors, such as overeating, sex, or substance abuse. When we engage in an addictive behavior, we divert our attention from pain and experience a temporary pleasure. It relieves our pain for a moment. Workaholism can be one such addictive behavior, because it distracts us from the pain that we feel when we turn our attention inwards.
Someone with a very low self-esteem might use both strategies: avoidance of triggering situations to prevent the new pain (the Managers), as well as addictive behaviors to soothe or numb the already existing pain (the Firefighters).
Examples of defense strategies: perfectionism, arrogance, avoidance
Some people might be constantly pushing themselves to their best performance, and berate themselves if they make the slightest mistakes. Being perfectionist ensures that they don't experience the pain of being "not good enough". If only they keep their performance at the top level, they believe they will deserve the love and appreciation of others and avoid the pain of rejection. Their manager is using perfectionism as defense strategy against pain.
Another way people protect themselves is when they refuse to acknowledge their mistake, but keep blaming others. They need to be right and are going into endless arguments to prove that. They might have been treated unjustly as children, they might have been made guilty when in fact they were innocent. They don't want to experience the pain of being falsely accused ever again. That's why they go into frequent arguments, seeking to prove they're right and the other person is wrong. Their manager is using arrogance and pride as a defense mechanism.
Some people protect themselves by closing off emotionally and avoiding intimacy. That's because they saw a bad example in their parents' marriage, or they had a relationship in which they were badly hurt, and they don't want to repeat that experience. They stay alone, avoid getting close to people and opening up, so that they wouldn't be hurt again. Their manager is using avoidance as a defense mechanism.
True self as our true protector & healer
The above are various defense strategies we use to avoid being hurt. None of these strategies are beneficial but usually cause us more pain. If we are perfectionist, we'll end up working too much and suffering from stress and burnout. If we're afraid of being hurt in romantic relationships, we'll stay alone and miss out on a deep bonding and intimacy with another person. If we always quarrel, wanting to prove our point, we'll end up alone and bitter, because no one will like our company.
Living in a defensive mode results in an unhappy, unfulfilled life. The only way to truly help ourselves is to actually address the original pain we've experienced as children – to go to the root of the problem, rather than avoiding and covering it up, leading to more pain.
How do we address the original pain? The first precondition is to have compassion for ourselves and for the inner child that has been hurt deliberately or inadvertently by our parents. We need to develop a loving, compassionate voice within ourselves, as a counter-balance to the inner critic. It's a voice that will show acceptance and understanding, rather than condemnation and judgment. It's a voice of a loving and compassionate parent – very different from the voice of our parent(s), which was criticizing, harsh, berating and judgmental.
This loving and compassionate voice is our true protector – unlike the misguided protectors ("managers" and "firefighters") mentioned above. This voice is the only one that can soothe our pain and give us what we really need – love, acceptance, compassion, appreciation, validation. Once our inner child receives what he/she hasn't received in childhood, the wound can finally heal, and we won't need to soothe or numb the pain in unhealthy ways.
This loving, compassionate, parental voice is the voice of our true self. Which means that our true self is our true protector. Once we bring our true self into dialogue with our wounded parts, they heal and blend with our healthy, adult personality. As a result, we don't any more behave in immature and/or self-destructive ways.
